today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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