That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
