Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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