i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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