Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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