Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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