if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
