textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
