Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize