Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She's the barista slut.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
