forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
