Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
