I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
