so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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