My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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