Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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