Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
