...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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