just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
