i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
