look no pants
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
