Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
