The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
