My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
