I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
