community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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