I seem to have left my pride at pride
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
