I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Welp...herpes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize