Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
