if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
