Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
