my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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