i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
