'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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