You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
