well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
