he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
