I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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