his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
