he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I still have a little drunk in my system
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
