we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
