apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
