Please don't use social media to get back at me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
