does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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