Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
