im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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