Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
