when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
