I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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