im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
