my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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