I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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