not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
