College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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