I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
