Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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