Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
