I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
