In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We have started to decorate penises.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
