Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hippo gnu deer
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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