I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
