I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
