The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
