MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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