I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
